We're doing it wrong.
Teaching about sex in the church, I mean. We've tried lots of things. Warning about the potential dangers. Preaching about how it should never be done outside of marriage. Speaking about how wonderful it is inside of marriage. Giving out promise rings. Using romantic language of waiting for your true love. Yet, somehow not much seems to change.
According to a recent study, young, unmarried evangelical adults (18-29) are separated from their non-Christian peers by only 8% when considering who has had sex. Eighty-eight percent of non-Christians have had sex, while 80% of Christians had. That's not much of a difference.
The article blames the high percentage of sex participation among Christians on the numbers of those engaging in sex ("everyone is doing it") and the long wait until marriage ("We get married so much later in life").
Churches have tried a lot of things, but unfortunately I don't think most of us have been doing the one thing that will have the most impact - the Gospel.
Let me first dismiss the excuses given in the article. "Maria" is quoted in the article as saying that she wanted to wait until marriage, but as a 20-year-old she began having sex with her college boyfriend because nearly everyone she knew, including her Christian friends, were having sex.
Secondly, many seem to want to excuse young Christians because so many are waiting longer to get married in our culture today. It is not uncommon for people to wait until they are in their 30's before marrying.
New Testament scholar Scot McKnight told Relevant magazine:
Much of the wait could be reduced by simply marrying at an earlier age. I know it sounds so ... so counter-culturally, but isn't that what we are supposed to be? Christian Hip-Hop artist Trip Lee had an excellent post on why he married "so young." Kevin DeYoung also wrote on excellent piece on the issue, so I'll move on to the matter at hand.
If it's not because everyone is doing it or because we are marrying so late, why is it that Christian young people are having sex outside of marriage at the same basic rate as non-Christian young people? They have been taught to use the wrong things to overcome sin and temptation. As I mentioned earlier, we aren't using the Gospel.
Virtually all of what we are trying to use is some form of moralism. If we just tell teenagers enough times that sex outside of marriage is wrong, then they'll get it and avoid it. Um ... no. Sin, especially sexual sin, is attractive. Simply saying it's wrong will only work on a few (oh, say 20%, if you catch my point). The rest will remember that we said it was wrong, will probably wait a few years longer than their non-Christian friends, but will eventually give in. Everyone's doing it and marriage is too far away.
Look at what "Maria" said about how she did wait longer than her sisters "even though we were all Christians and came from a good home." That's it isn't it. I'm from a good home. I'm a good girl. I'm not supposed to do this, yet here I am anyway. "Good home" is code for being taught good morals.
Notice what "Maria" did not say. "I waited as long as I could, but me and my sisters all had sex before marriage, even though we were all Christians and love Jesus more than anything else" or "we were all Christians and recognize how wonderful the Gospel is and the depth of God's grace and forgiveness."
The Apostle Paul was confronting false teachers who were trying to influence the Colossian church. Part of the false beliefs was an emphasis on treating the body negatively. More likely than not, they would intentionally harm themselves in an attempt to control physical temptations. They would starve themselves or whip themselves. All of this was to show how they could conquer sin and temptation.
The only problem? Well, not the only problem, because just physically harming your body is a problem in and of itself. The main problem for these false teachers? It didn't work. Colossians 2:20-23
Paul goes on to tell us this in Colossians 3. In fact, he specifically addresses sexual sins, but he does so only after he grounds it in proper theology and understanding of the Gospel. He tells the Colossians believers that they have been raised with Christ, therefore they are to focus on things beyond just this earth. They are to put to death sins, like sexual sins, because they have been given life in Christ.
What our teenagers and young adults need to hear today is the same thing the Colossians needed to hear. We need to hear how great our Father is. How amazing our Savior is. How powerful our indwelling Spirit is. How wonderful God's Gospel really is.
When I truly see God for who He is ... nothing else compares. We don't teach our teenagers a code of conduct. We show them the Christ of the cross, then tell them how sexual ethics tie into Him.
This is what Paul does in all of his letters. He gives the church proper theology, a right understanding of Christ and salvation, then instructs them, on the basis of their knowledge of Jesus, on how to live out their salvation.
Christians are having sex before marriage because they recognize that sex is better than rules, but what they fail to realize is that sex is not as good as the Gospel. Sex is not as good as a right relationship and unhindered fellowship with God.
Young adults of the church are going to continue displaying essentially the same sexual ethics of the world until we move beyond repeating moral mantras to the point where they have encountered Christ in such a real way that they desire Him more than gratifying sexual desires.
Why would I care if everyone was having sex, I have a relationship with my Savior?
Who cares if the wait until marriage is long or short, I can spend this time focusing on Christ?
Hopefully one day, instead of Christians having this discussion, non-Christians will be asking "Why are Christians waiting to have sex until marriage?" Then we can say, "Let me tell you about the Gospel."
Teaching about sex in the church, I mean. We've tried lots of things. Warning about the potential dangers. Preaching about how it should never be done outside of marriage. Speaking about how wonderful it is inside of marriage. Giving out promise rings. Using romantic language of waiting for your true love. Yet, somehow not much seems to change.
According to a recent study, young, unmarried evangelical adults (18-29) are separated from their non-Christian peers by only 8% when considering who has had sex. Eighty-eight percent of non-Christians have had sex, while 80% of Christians had. That's not much of a difference.
The article blames the high percentage of sex participation among Christians on the numbers of those engaging in sex ("everyone is doing it") and the long wait until marriage ("We get married so much later in life").
Churches have tried a lot of things, but unfortunately I don't think most of us have been doing the one thing that will have the most impact - the Gospel.
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Photo from ConservativeRefocus.com
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It seemed everyone in my life, older and younger, had “done it.” In fact, I waited longer than most people I knew and longer than both of my sisters, even though we were all Christians and came from a good home.Are we still really using this as an excuse - everyone is doing it? If everyone is doing it, it's only because you are doing it. If you didn't do it, then by definition, everyone would not be doing it. I recognize that peer pressure can be intense and intimidating, but the popularity of a choice has no bearing on the morality of it.
Secondly, many seem to want to excuse young Christians because so many are waiting longer to get married in our culture today. It is not uncommon for people to wait until they are in their 30's before marrying.
New Testament scholar Scot McKnight told Relevant magazine:
Sociologically speaking, the one big difference – and it’s monstrous – between the biblical teaching and our culture is the arranged marriages of very young people. If you get married when you’re 13, you don’t have 15 years of temptation.Who says you have to wait until you are 35 to get married? Some people don't find their future spouse until later in life, but many people (especially guys) simply want to live out extended adolescence. "Why get married and support a family; I can just live at home with my parents for 10 years, grabbing random jobs and playing video games."
Much of the wait could be reduced by simply marrying at an earlier age. I know it sounds so ... so counter-culturally, but isn't that what we are supposed to be? Christian Hip-Hop artist Trip Lee had an excellent post on why he married "so young." Kevin DeYoung also wrote on excellent piece on the issue, so I'll move on to the matter at hand.
If it's not because everyone is doing it or because we are marrying so late, why is it that Christian young people are having sex outside of marriage at the same basic rate as non-Christian young people? They have been taught to use the wrong things to overcome sin and temptation. As I mentioned earlier, we aren't using the Gospel.
Virtually all of what we are trying to use is some form of moralism. If we just tell teenagers enough times that sex outside of marriage is wrong, then they'll get it and avoid it. Um ... no. Sin, especially sexual sin, is attractive. Simply saying it's wrong will only work on a few (oh, say 20%, if you catch my point). The rest will remember that we said it was wrong, will probably wait a few years longer than their non-Christian friends, but will eventually give in. Everyone's doing it and marriage is too far away.
Look at what "Maria" said about how she did wait longer than her sisters "even though we were all Christians and came from a good home." That's it isn't it. I'm from a good home. I'm a good girl. I'm not supposed to do this, yet here I am anyway. "Good home" is code for being taught good morals.
Notice what "Maria" did not say. "I waited as long as I could, but me and my sisters all had sex before marriage, even though we were all Christians and love Jesus more than anything else" or "we were all Christians and recognize how wonderful the Gospel is and the depth of God's grace and forgiveness."
The Apostle Paul was confronting false teachers who were trying to influence the Colossian church. Part of the false beliefs was an emphasis on treating the body negatively. More likely than not, they would intentionally harm themselves in an attempt to control physical temptations. They would starve themselves or whip themselves. All of this was to show how they could conquer sin and temptation.
The only problem? Well, not the only problem, because just physically harming your body is a problem in and of itself. The main problem for these false teachers? It didn't work. Colossians 2:20-23
If you died with Christ to the elemental forces of this world, why do you live as if you still belonged to the world? Why do you submit to regulations: "Don't handle, don't taste, don't touch"? All these [regulations] refer to what is destroyed by being used up; they are human commands and doctrines. Although these have a reputation of wisdom by promoting ascetic practices, humility, and severe treatment of the body, they are not of any value against fleshly indulgence. [emphasis mine]Just giving commands of "don't touch" or even treating your body harshly doesn't have any real value in fighting against our temptations. Saying, "don't have sex," is not going to be very effective by itself. It's not that we stop saying "don't have sex" altogether. It's that we ground the command in the proper place - the Gospel.
Paul goes on to tell us this in Colossians 3. In fact, he specifically addresses sexual sins, but he does so only after he grounds it in proper theology and understanding of the Gospel. He tells the Colossians believers that they have been raised with Christ, therefore they are to focus on things beyond just this earth. They are to put to death sins, like sexual sins, because they have been given life in Christ.
What our teenagers and young adults need to hear today is the same thing the Colossians needed to hear. We need to hear how great our Father is. How amazing our Savior is. How powerful our indwelling Spirit is. How wonderful God's Gospel really is.
When I truly see God for who He is ... nothing else compares. We don't teach our teenagers a code of conduct. We show them the Christ of the cross, then tell them how sexual ethics tie into Him.
This is what Paul does in all of his letters. He gives the church proper theology, a right understanding of Christ and salvation, then instructs them, on the basis of their knowledge of Jesus, on how to live out their salvation.
Christians are having sex before marriage because they recognize that sex is better than rules, but what they fail to realize is that sex is not as good as the Gospel. Sex is not as good as a right relationship and unhindered fellowship with God.
Young adults of the church are going to continue displaying essentially the same sexual ethics of the world until we move beyond repeating moral mantras to the point where they have encountered Christ in such a real way that they desire Him more than gratifying sexual desires.
Why would I care if everyone was having sex, I have a relationship with my Savior?
Who cares if the wait until marriage is long or short, I can spend this time focusing on Christ?
Hopefully one day, instead of Christians having this discussion, non-Christians will be asking "Why are Christians waiting to have sex until marriage?" Then we can say, "Let me tell you about the Gospel."
