This weekend, the Denver Broncos will take the field against the New England Patriots. Tim Tebow vs. Tom Brady. Light vs. Darkness. Good vs. Evil. Mother Teresa vs. Hitler. OK, maybe it's not quite like that.
Heading into their showdown, 43% of Americans believe that God is helping Tim Tebow win football games. My thoughts on that have already been expressed and it seems from Tebow's prayers quoted in the article that he's not asking God for wins and stellar passing performances. But what if he was ...
What if Tebow went full-fledged Ricky Bobby and asked "Dear Lord Baby Jesus" to help his team shake and bake to victory? What kind of prayers would the Denver quarterback pray then? Here is the top 5 pre-game prayers that Tim Tebow will not be praying, but would be hilarious if he did.
5. May Tom Brady's hair be cut off like Samson, robbing him of his arm strength.
Dear Teenage Jesus wearing a Broncos jersey with blue and orange face paint,
Thank you for helping me beat the Steelers last week, but I just want to ask you to take time out from doing your homework and playing video games and help me again this week. Can you please make his super hot supermodel wife go all Delilah on him and cut off his beautiful, flowing locks of hair and can that hair cut make his arm lose all of its' strength?
4. Strike Bill Belichick's hoodie with a plague of locust.
Dear Grown-up Jesus with a killer mullet and my number shaved into his hair,
New England head coach Bill Belichick always wears that nasty hoodie. If he had any class, he would be wearing a tuxedo t-shirt. Do you still have some of those locust laying around up there? Not the kind that John the Baptist ate, but the kind that you sent in that sweet plague back with Moses. I'm asking that you take what ever ones you've got left over and send them all into his hoodie.
3. Open up the Patriot's defense like the Red Sea.
Dear cool old Jesus that always gives you candy when you see him with a huge orange foam finger,
That was pure amazingness how you made that Pittsburgh safety miss my touchdown pass during overtime. You're old, but you're cute old and you are still omnipotent. So could you find that stick Moses used and let me or John Elway have it? I don't quite trust coach John Fox with it. I just want to strike that ground with it like that cool looking wizard guy did in the movie about the little dude with the heavy ring. I also would like a heavy ring that makes you invisible, so when we win the Super Bowl, can you also make my Super Bowl ring an invisibility ring?
2. Let my passes surprise the New England secondary like a thief in the night.
Dear middle age Jesus driving a minivan, that can transform into a rocking sports car with a flaming Bronco charging down the side panel,
I was able to go all ninja on the Steelers. They weren't expecting my shake and bake skill with Demaryius Thomas. I went all 316 on them, but now the Patriots might be ready for me. They might try to confuse me with some voodoo defensive schemes that I don't know about. Help me to pull off the most wicked play action fakes ever, so I can throw to wide open receivers running for touchdowns.
1. Give me the strength and wisdom to lead your people into the promised land and by "your people" I mean the Broncos and by "promised land" I mean the AFC title game.
Dear sweet, cuddly baby Jesus holding your stuffed Denver Bronco,
I'm going to need all the strength your cute little body can give me this week. I need to go to the godless New England, where they barely have any NASCAR tracks, as it is far, far removed from the Bible belt. Though you are a tiny newborn, you still are all-knowing. Please give me a sign prior to each snap to let me know what defense they are running. If it is man-to-man, blink your baby eyes once. If they are in zone, raise your baby hand. If they are going to blitz, scream with your loud baby voice. Whatever you do, just help me reach the AFC title game. Then, the Super Bowl. Then, we've got to win it. I'm asking this for you. So many people believe you are helping me win these games. If I don't win, you don't win. C'mon Lord baby Jesus. We both need this win. Let's do this!
Thankfully, Tebow will not be praying to any of those "Jesus" before he takes the field against the Patriots. Have you ever heard somebody actually pray a "Ricky Bobby prayer" before? What is the wildest, strangest prayer you've ever heard in person?
Heading into their showdown, 43% of Americans believe that God is helping Tim Tebow win football games. My thoughts on that have already been expressed and it seems from Tebow's prayers quoted in the article that he's not asking God for wins and stellar passing performances. But what if he was ...
What if Tebow went full-fledged Ricky Bobby and asked "Dear Lord Baby Jesus" to help his team shake and bake to victory? What kind of prayers would the Denver quarterback pray then? Here is the top 5 pre-game prayers that Tim Tebow will not be praying, but would be hilarious if he did.
5. May Tom Brady's hair be cut off like Samson, robbing him of his arm strength.
Dear Teenage Jesus wearing a Broncos jersey with blue and orange face paint,
Thank you for helping me beat the Steelers last week, but I just want to ask you to take time out from doing your homework and playing video games and help me again this week. Can you please make his super hot supermodel wife go all Delilah on him and cut off his beautiful, flowing locks of hair and can that hair cut make his arm lose all of its' strength?
4. Strike Bill Belichick's hoodie with a plague of locust.
Dear Grown-up Jesus with a killer mullet and my number shaved into his hair,
New England head coach Bill Belichick always wears that nasty hoodie. If he had any class, he would be wearing a tuxedo t-shirt. Do you still have some of those locust laying around up there? Not the kind that John the Baptist ate, but the kind that you sent in that sweet plague back with Moses. I'm asking that you take what ever ones you've got left over and send them all into his hoodie.
3. Open up the Patriot's defense like the Red Sea.
Dear cool old Jesus that always gives you candy when you see him with a huge orange foam finger,
That was pure amazingness how you made that Pittsburgh safety miss my touchdown pass during overtime. You're old, but you're cute old and you are still omnipotent. So could you find that stick Moses used and let me or John Elway have it? I don't quite trust coach John Fox with it. I just want to strike that ground with it like that cool looking wizard guy did in the movie about the little dude with the heavy ring. I also would like a heavy ring that makes you invisible, so when we win the Super Bowl, can you also make my Super Bowl ring an invisibility ring?
2. Let my passes surprise the New England secondary like a thief in the night.
Dear middle age Jesus driving a minivan, that can transform into a rocking sports car with a flaming Bronco charging down the side panel,
I was able to go all ninja on the Steelers. They weren't expecting my shake and bake skill with Demaryius Thomas. I went all 316 on them, but now the Patriots might be ready for me. They might try to confuse me with some voodoo defensive schemes that I don't know about. Help me to pull off the most wicked play action fakes ever, so I can throw to wide open receivers running for touchdowns.
1. Give me the strength and wisdom to lead your people into the promised land and by "your people" I mean the Broncos and by "promised land" I mean the AFC title game.
Dear sweet, cuddly baby Jesus holding your stuffed Denver Bronco,
I'm going to need all the strength your cute little body can give me this week. I need to go to the godless New England, where they barely have any NASCAR tracks, as it is far, far removed from the Bible belt. Though you are a tiny newborn, you still are all-knowing. Please give me a sign prior to each snap to let me know what defense they are running. If it is man-to-man, blink your baby eyes once. If they are in zone, raise your baby hand. If they are going to blitz, scream with your loud baby voice. Whatever you do, just help me reach the AFC title game. Then, the Super Bowl. Then, we've got to win it. I'm asking this for you. So many people believe you are helping me win these games. If I don't win, you don't win. C'mon Lord baby Jesus. We both need this win. Let's do this!
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Thankfully, Tebow will not be praying to any of those "Jesus" before he takes the field against the Patriots. Have you ever heard somebody actually pray a "Ricky Bobby prayer" before? What is the wildest, strangest prayer you've ever heard in person?
