Christians always complain about the evil that comes along with Halloween. There is another holiday, however, that subtly offers believers a false gospel - Groundhog Day. Sure, the little, chubby land beaver looks cute, but lurking behind those beady eyes lies a sinister plot to undermine the Christian faith.
Who controls our weather and the lengths of our seasons? It is most assuredly not Mother Nature, a groundhog named Phil, a beaver named Bill or a hedgehog named Sonic. It is God, Himself.
Why would we stoop so low as to believe some animal popping his head out of his hole and seeing his shadow or not will predict our future weather? The appropriate response to seeing an animal stick his head out of his home is to shoot it and cook it, preferably deep fried.
We should be concentrating at least some of our made-up holiday to counteract an ingrained secular holiday energy on Groundhog Day. We've got to make sure that our children don't one day bow down to a golden groundhog erected by the mayor of Punxsutawney, PA. With that tragic future image in mind, here are the top 5 Christian alternatives to Groundhog Day.
5. Come Forward Day - The pastor has given a very evangelistic sermon. He is expecting people to come forward and make a profession of faith. He's counting on the music minister to choose the right song for the moment. The local reporters are gathered, eagerly awaiting the hymn announcement to inform the viewing public just how much longer they can expect the service to go on.
Come Forward Day rule: If the music minister picks "Just As I Am" as the invitational hymn, the service will last 15 extra minutes.
4. Head Banger Day - The joys of being extremely young or extremely old, you can eat snacks and take naps during church. That's all well and good until someone drifts off with their head titled back. Their snores grow louder and louder as they go deeper and deeper into dreamland, until something tilts their head forward and *bam* it hits the pew. Just hope it doesn't happen during the Lord's Supper or they'll be six more weeks of cleaning the carpet.
Head Banger Day rule: If the someone falls asleep and bangs their head on the pew, in order to keep anymore from drifting off, the pastor will turn his microphone up to eleven.
3. Buffet Day - The mad rush to the restaurants after Sunday services are bad enough, but if Golden Corral is having a special or sent out coupons in the morning paper, things could get ugly. Sacrifices have to be made to make this celebration work. No one wants to get there last. The golf playing heathens get the first shot at it. After that, which ever church dismisses first will have the poll position for the steak carving line.
Buffet Day Rule: If Golden Corral is having a Sunday lunch special, the pastor will only let the worship leader do one song.
2. Angry Deacon Day - This would be very similar to Groundhog Day, except you replace the cute groundhog with an angry, bitter, disgruntled deacon. In both holidays, however, you are hoping that you don't see the shadow. A groundhog shadow means six more weeks of winter. Seeing the deacon's shadow means a night full of off-topic rants and questions about why we put new carpet down ... in 1993.
Angry Deacon Day rule: If the angry deacon doesn't show up, the business conference will only last 5 minutes.
1. Survival Day - When you have a rotation for children's church teachers, it helps to spread out the work and involve more church members. If the pastor's wife is one of the teachers, it also assures you at least one Sunday of the quickest sermon ever. It only takes once for her to be stuck in Goldfish cracker purgatory during a long service, for the message to be delivered loud and clear that afternoon. It's called Survival Day because the pastor wants to survive, he knows what he has to do.
Survival Day rule: If the pastor's wife is in children's church, the sermon will not be longer than 10 minutes.
What other Christian alternatives to Groundhog Day can you think of? What other holiday needs to have a Christian version of it?
Who controls our weather and the lengths of our seasons? It is most assuredly not Mother Nature, a groundhog named Phil, a beaver named Bill or a hedgehog named Sonic. It is God, Himself.
Why would we stoop so low as to believe some animal popping his head out of his hole and seeing his shadow or not will predict our future weather? The appropriate response to seeing an animal stick his head out of his home is to shoot it and cook it, preferably deep fried.
We should be concentrating at least some of our made-up holiday to counteract an ingrained secular holiday energy on Groundhog Day. We've got to make sure that our children don't one day bow down to a golden groundhog erected by the mayor of Punxsutawney, PA. With that tragic future image in mind, here are the top 5 Christian alternatives to Groundhog Day.
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| "I'm hiding my wife and my kids. The Christians are coming." Photo from Sxc.hu. |
Come Forward Day rule: If the music minister picks "Just As I Am" as the invitational hymn, the service will last 15 extra minutes.
4. Head Banger Day - The joys of being extremely young or extremely old, you can eat snacks and take naps during church. That's all well and good until someone drifts off with their head titled back. Their snores grow louder and louder as they go deeper and deeper into dreamland, until something tilts their head forward and *bam* it hits the pew. Just hope it doesn't happen during the Lord's Supper or they'll be six more weeks of cleaning the carpet.
Head Banger Day rule: If the someone falls asleep and bangs their head on the pew, in order to keep anymore from drifting off, the pastor will turn his microphone up to eleven.
3. Buffet Day - The mad rush to the restaurants after Sunday services are bad enough, but if Golden Corral is having a special or sent out coupons in the morning paper, things could get ugly. Sacrifices have to be made to make this celebration work. No one wants to get there last. The golf playing heathens get the first shot at it. After that, which ever church dismisses first will have the poll position for the steak carving line.
Buffet Day Rule: If Golden Corral is having a Sunday lunch special, the pastor will only let the worship leader do one song.
2. Angry Deacon Day - This would be very similar to Groundhog Day, except you replace the cute groundhog with an angry, bitter, disgruntled deacon. In both holidays, however, you are hoping that you don't see the shadow. A groundhog shadow means six more weeks of winter. Seeing the deacon's shadow means a night full of off-topic rants and questions about why we put new carpet down ... in 1993.
Angry Deacon Day rule: If the angry deacon doesn't show up, the business conference will only last 5 minutes.
1. Survival Day - When you have a rotation for children's church teachers, it helps to spread out the work and involve more church members. If the pastor's wife is one of the teachers, it also assures you at least one Sunday of the quickest sermon ever. It only takes once for her to be stuck in Goldfish cracker purgatory during a long service, for the message to be delivered loud and clear that afternoon. It's called Survival Day because the pastor wants to survive, he knows what he has to do.
Survival Day rule: If the pastor's wife is in children's church, the sermon will not be longer than 10 minutes.
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What other Christian alternatives to Groundhog Day can you think of? What other holiday needs to have a Christian version of it?
