Every television network's morning show and daytime talk program will have a list of "Summer Must-Do's." They'll tell you all of the things you have to do over the next few months. Some may even have a segment of "Summer Must-Not's." Some overly perky host will describe all of the things you want to avoid from June through August.
But, they're silent on the hidden dangers of the things they tell you to do. What they don't have is a list of "Summer Must-do Don'ts." Are you confused yet? Because this is about to go well beyond the absurd range. Things are about to get really strange in the top 5 summer must-do don'ts.
5. Have a "down day" – We all need a down day or so and summer always provides the best time for that. Get a day to yourself to relax and recharge, but don't go crazy.
You don't want to wake up one day and realize you just spent three months watching odd YouTube videos about knitting cats. Stumbling into the bathroom, you discover that you have grown a homeless Santa beard that has somehow attracted five pencils, two pieces of candy and ... is that a carburetor of a '72 Chevy Impala? This would be even worse if you were a woman.
We are not going to have this happen. Take your one down day and move on. No one wants to see random classic car parts in your scraggly beard. Especially if you're not a man.
4. Read a book – My youngest son informed me yesterday that children who don't read and write during the summer lose a whole grade level. You don't want to lose a grade level and have to relive your awkward junior high years. Read a book and grow your mind, but don't read just any book.
What if you go to the library and you accidentally pick out a book that the mob has been using to relay information? As you pull out of the parking lot, you notice both a white panel van and a black sedan tailing. Instantly, you know that the mob is after you. Who else drives around in white panel vans and black sedans? But you don't know why they are following. They'll threaten you with "sleeping with the fishes." You'll say you already have a toddler so you wake up with goldfish in your bed every morning. This wouldn't end well.
Just borrow a book from a friend. Or maybe go get a Kindle. I'm pretty sure the mob hasn't started using e-readers to share sensitive information yet. The mob is usually fairly slow in implementing new technology. Yeah, a Kindle would be good.
3. Go on a vacation – Just like having a down day at home, you need some away from home time. You need a chance to go see a new part of the world, even if it is right down the road from your house.
But when I say, "right down the road," I don't mean literally right down the road from your house. Because then you would either be at your neighbor's house or that odd abandoned building. You've already had your run-in with the mob, so you stay away from the abandoned building, knowing that they frequent such places. But that leaves you with only your neighbor's house ... maybe the abandoned building turned mob hang-out would be a better idea.
Make sure your gas tank is full (take out a second mortgage if need be), so that you can drive further than right down the road. You're tired of the mob and your neighbor's ... well, it's your neighbor's and we don't want to see that happen ... ever.
2. Sleep in late – Everyone wants to sleep in late occasionally. The morning grind can be tiresome. Find a day or two to sleep in late. Turn the alarm off and dream a little dream, or maybe even a big dream. Those are cool, too. But don't sleep too late.
I mean, we don't want you pulling a Rip Van Winkle or anything. You unplug your alarm clock, turn off your phone and go to sleep with every intention of waking up around noon the next day, instead you wake up around noon on September 15, 2075. Why September 15? Because the nations of Earth joined forces and defeated an evil alien invasion. We accepted their surrender on, you guessed it, September 14. But the next day, someone turned their iPod (version 163) up really loud and it woke you up.
You don't want to miss the invasion or the new iPods. Plus, you were having some funky dreams like being chased by the mob and someone finding the Ark of the Covenant in your beard. And you're a lady.
1. Get a tan – Right now, you're white. OK, white is a bit of an understatement. Currently, you are translucent. Jellyfish are laughing at your inability to hold a skin tone. That's about to change, you are going to get tanned, but let's not go crazy on the tanning.
This. All you need to know is THIS. Seriously, when a piece of beef jerky can look at you and say, "Whoa, you look a little dried out," you've went too far with the tanning. If you could even call that tanning. That's not self-tanning, that's self-cooking. At that point, you are inviting the face eating zombie from Miami to show up at your house. We all know that once one zombie shows up, there is liable to be a zombie party. With your new "skin tone," you already look like a zombie or a baked potato. Either way, that's not a good look in the coming zombie apocalypse.
Maybe white isn't so bad after all. Or maybe a couple squirts of spray tan will be OK. Just don't make yourself orange. I feel certain that if the face eater is from Miami he would like both faces and oranges. You don't want to look like both.
What is one thing you have to do this summer? What's one thing you are trying to avoid, besides the mob and flesh-eating Floridians?
But, they're silent on the hidden dangers of the things they tell you to do. What they don't have is a list of "Summer Must-do Don'ts." Are you confused yet? Because this is about to go well beyond the absurd range. Things are about to get really strange in the top 5 summer must-do don'ts.
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| Photo from RGBstock.com by Felipe Daniel Reis |
You don't want to wake up one day and realize you just spent three months watching odd YouTube videos about knitting cats. Stumbling into the bathroom, you discover that you have grown a homeless Santa beard that has somehow attracted five pencils, two pieces of candy and ... is that a carburetor of a '72 Chevy Impala? This would be even worse if you were a woman.
We are not going to have this happen. Take your one down day and move on. No one wants to see random classic car parts in your scraggly beard. Especially if you're not a man.
4. Read a book – My youngest son informed me yesterday that children who don't read and write during the summer lose a whole grade level. You don't want to lose a grade level and have to relive your awkward junior high years. Read a book and grow your mind, but don't read just any book.
What if you go to the library and you accidentally pick out a book that the mob has been using to relay information? As you pull out of the parking lot, you notice both a white panel van and a black sedan tailing. Instantly, you know that the mob is after you. Who else drives around in white panel vans and black sedans? But you don't know why they are following. They'll threaten you with "sleeping with the fishes." You'll say you already have a toddler so you wake up with goldfish in your bed every morning. This wouldn't end well.
Just borrow a book from a friend. Or maybe go get a Kindle. I'm pretty sure the mob hasn't started using e-readers to share sensitive information yet. The mob is usually fairly slow in implementing new technology. Yeah, a Kindle would be good.
3. Go on a vacation – Just like having a down day at home, you need some away from home time. You need a chance to go see a new part of the world, even if it is right down the road from your house.
But when I say, "right down the road," I don't mean literally right down the road from your house. Because then you would either be at your neighbor's house or that odd abandoned building. You've already had your run-in with the mob, so you stay away from the abandoned building, knowing that they frequent such places. But that leaves you with only your neighbor's house ... maybe the abandoned building turned mob hang-out would be a better idea.
Make sure your gas tank is full (take out a second mortgage if need be), so that you can drive further than right down the road. You're tired of the mob and your neighbor's ... well, it's your neighbor's and we don't want to see that happen ... ever.
2. Sleep in late – Everyone wants to sleep in late occasionally. The morning grind can be tiresome. Find a day or two to sleep in late. Turn the alarm off and dream a little dream, or maybe even a big dream. Those are cool, too. But don't sleep too late.
I mean, we don't want you pulling a Rip Van Winkle or anything. You unplug your alarm clock, turn off your phone and go to sleep with every intention of waking up around noon the next day, instead you wake up around noon on September 15, 2075. Why September 15? Because the nations of Earth joined forces and defeated an evil alien invasion. We accepted their surrender on, you guessed it, September 14. But the next day, someone turned their iPod (version 163) up really loud and it woke you up.
You don't want to miss the invasion or the new iPods. Plus, you were having some funky dreams like being chased by the mob and someone finding the Ark of the Covenant in your beard. And you're a lady.
1. Get a tan – Right now, you're white. OK, white is a bit of an understatement. Currently, you are translucent. Jellyfish are laughing at your inability to hold a skin tone. That's about to change, you are going to get tanned, but let's not go crazy on the tanning.
This. All you need to know is THIS. Seriously, when a piece of beef jerky can look at you and say, "Whoa, you look a little dried out," you've went too far with the tanning. If you could even call that tanning. That's not self-tanning, that's self-cooking. At that point, you are inviting the face eating zombie from Miami to show up at your house. We all know that once one zombie shows up, there is liable to be a zombie party. With your new "skin tone," you already look like a zombie or a baked potato. Either way, that's not a good look in the coming zombie apocalypse.
Maybe white isn't so bad after all. Or maybe a couple squirts of spray tan will be OK. Just don't make yourself orange. I feel certain that if the face eater is from Miami he would like both faces and oranges. You don't want to look like both.
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What is one thing you have to do this summer? What's one thing you are trying to avoid, besides the mob and flesh-eating Floridians?
